It's a Marathon, Pace Yourself

I am sitting here next to my little Bean thinking that this is a race that never will end. I realize that he has so much to offer and he has taught me so much about life.  But on the other hand, I feel so guilty that he has these problems. He never ask for them, let alone deserved any of it. I get frustrated having to deal with the changes that happen everyday. It is like living a continuous state of post traumatic distress.  He is so cute and adorable when he is just happy and having fun, but when you tell him "no" all hell breaks loose and he turns into a different child.  The art of distraction is the key to curbing these horrendous meltdowns. My problem is trying to find different things to take his mind off what he is upset about.  The emotional and physical toll is taxing on your body, mind and soul. I have to reach deep into myself and find the strength to deal with this life I have been given. The good Lord above is my only strength.  I don't know how anyone does life with out relying on faith. That is my only hope.  Some days are wonderful and some days are absolutely pure hell.  His behavior over the last couple of  months has been erratic and we have started a new seizure medicine called Lamotrigine. It is suppose to help control the seizures and help curb the behavior. We have to watch for a rash that can be lethal and it will take a couple months to get him titrated up on the higher dose to see a full result of its effectiveness.  I have been told by several people that when children like him are growing, their brains are changing and that is when the behaviors are much more prevalent. So living day to day is the key.  Honestly, the older I get, the more fear I have that I will not be strong enough or have the energy to deal with his behavior.  I am already so tired and have no idea what it will be like in 10 years.  I will be 55 then and can't even imagine those days.  I already have very little help from my family or my husbands family.  To be honest, I am wondering when my husband and I will ever be able to spend a night away from home just to be together for any type special occasion? We haven't been over night anywhere in 5 years.  I think the last time we went anywhere overnight alone was when the twins were about 10 months old.  Of course that was before we knew exactly what he had and was not to hard to cope with at the time.  What will probably end up happening is I will have to pay someone tons of money to do it and then worry the entire time that my Bean will not be cared for like he should.  So I just sit and imagine myself going to Hawaii sitting on a beach with my husband and hoping when I get to Heaven that it is much better than Hawaii could ever be.  I do have hope that things will get better as soon as we can figure out the proper medicine for him.  It just seems to take forever.  I haven't given up hope on miracles either. I believe in miracles.  I believe that there is a purpose of why all of this is happening.  I just need a break sometimes.

Beckett and his twin Pyper at the Houston Zoo Lights 2014

My husband told me something the other day that I have thought about ever since.  I was complaining to him my discontent and frustration about how everything just seems to get harder and never seems to end.  He told me "Monica, this is a marathon, pace yourself!"  I was kind of taken back, but I stopped and thought about it. He was right. I need to just keep on keeping on, but deal with things that come up and not worry about the things that are out of my control.  He reminded that worry is just borrowing trouble.  Things will be the way they are going to be.  I will keep running, pacing myself.  I am determined to finish this race.  I might not win any trophies, but I will know I never gave up and if I have to drag myself across the finish line, I will.

1 Corinthians 9:24 Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.

Beckett's Kindergarten Year in Review - He's Happy

Just wanted to share a short video of Beckett and his sister Pyper's Kindergarten year.  This is Beckett's favorite song by Pharrell Williams - Happy

Hope you enjoy!

EEG Results are in...

Beckett was just diagnosed yesterday with atypical absent seizures (borderline epileptic). Will be officially diagnosed when he has 2 full blown seizures. Technically he has an abnormal EEG. The doctor has said even though he has not had any real seizures yet, he is at a high risk for having them. He has 2 types of epileptic activity going on in his brain. He has what they call epileptic disturbances which are a pre-episode of a full blown seizure, they just don't reach full capacity of a seizure. These disturbances are what causes an interruption in his learning and can cause confusion and meltdowns. We are treating those with a new liquid sulfur based drug that is used for migraines.  I am hoping that the medication will help elevate some of the absent type seizures he is having and hoping that it will help him to be able to learn and improve his memory.  It just seems there is a never ending medical string of diagnoses for my baby boy. I am hoping that one day he gets relief from the endless confusion he experiences.   

Back to the Drawing Board...Again, But This Time... Expecting Change!!

Well....back to the drawing board.  Seems like Beckett didn't do so well on his Intuniv for ADHD.  I am thinking that he's not ADHD after all.  He became violent and his personality changed as we continued his dose over a weeks period.  He became a wild animal.  Biting, scratching, kicking, and the continuous screaming for hours.  For an entire week we had him on the Intuniv taking his dose in the evening and caused him to wake up during the night several times also.  I don't remember sleep deprivation that bad since the twins were infants. I had to take a 1/2 a day off work just to get some rest that week. We still have him on the Vayarin, which seems to be doing well.  We have also upped his dose of time released melatonin to 2.5 mg before bed. This has been a life saver for us because now he sleeps through the night.  He sleeps anywhere from  9 -10 hours at night.

Of course, once we started to get him regulated off the Intuniv, he ends up getting strep throat, AGAIN!  My poor boy has had strep throat about five times since he had his tonsils out a little over a year ago.  He actually told me for the very first time his tummy hurt, saying he had to "poo-poo", then throwing up all over the bathroom. That boy was sick.  I was shocked that he communicated to me he didn't feel well.  I was also very happy that he took the initiative to do so.  I am thinking that children like him also have a lowered immune system that is affected by their chromosome mutation.  He has been so sick as a child and he seems to be allergic to everything, especially antibiotics. They put Beckett on one of the strongest antibiotics they make this time.  I am hoping it works and knocks out the strep. Now that he has been on antibiotics for about 8 days, he has gone back to that sweet, loving boy I know when he is well.  The only side note to that, is he tends to be stuck in his terrible 3's.  He still continuously screams when he doesn't get what he wants, it's just easier to distract him when he is feeling better.

Beckett Playing at the Park

In the next few weeks we will be having a 20 hour EEG to determine if he is having seizures.  I am very anxious for this, because I can't help to think that this might be causing some of his screaming fits and high anxiety.  Sometimes he tends to zone out and just stare, then other times he just loses it and screams when he is told no, and once he gets started it is hard to bring him down from it. 
I pray for more answers.

In the mean time, I have been trying to gather information for Dr. Michaud and putting together a type of Parent Driven Study to bring families and doctors together to help with furthering Dr. Michaud's work.  I am still praying that there will be help for these kids and that things will begin to fall in place to create some type of organization to help families like mine and also help scientists fund their research on SYNGAP. 

If you are a family of a child or an adult diagnosed with SYNGAP, please do not hesitate to contact me.   

Breaking Out of the Bad into the Good!!

Well...you know I had to incorporate something in the title of one of my favorite shows on TV, Breaking Bad..LOL!  Yes, the finale is tonight!!  It is a very thought provoking show that has made me think about how people can take two different paths on how to deal with "Bad" things that happen in life.  Of course, this series took it to the extremes and showed the desperation and obsession one man had to live his life like he wanted and also try and justify it by using the excuse of taking care of his family.  Funny thing is, I think we have all thought about the "what if's?" and then just continued on with the life we have been dealt.  I guess this is where our belief's and values come in. I whole heartedly believe that God puts us in situations either to teach us something or to prepare us for something we will have to deal with in the future.  But He is where we get our strength.

This whole experience that my family and I are in with taking care of a special needs child has allowed us to meet people we otherwise would have never met, showed us that sometimes our plans aren't as great as what God has for us, and that we can live with the trails put in front of us and come out stronger that we ever thought.  People say to me all the time, how do you do it?  I think to myself and laugh that, "I just do!"  You could too if it was put in front of you, you are forced too. Most of us think we couldn't because of the things we would so selfishly have to give up.  But you just do it because you love your child.  What else would I do?  Lock him in a closet somewhere and throw him some food and water every now and again?  He is my son and is a person that God created and has given him to us as a gift.  We are charged with taking care of him. 

Over the last 9 months since Beckett has been diagnosed with SYNGAP1 I have come to know many people that are going to be life long friends and am excited that we can be a support for each other.  We together are working on a way to raise awareness and hoping to begin a foundation that will raise money for research and to help families like ours with medical financial needs.  Of course, we are looking for a civil attorney that can donate their time to help us out with that..so if you happen know anyone..send them my way! ;)  

Since my last update on Beckett, he has begun to say more words.  This morning he called for his daddy to come get him and has said the phrase "Help Me!".  We have him on a new medication called Intuniv that helps him with his impulsive behavior and acts as a mood stabilizer. We have had to adjust it some as at first it made him sleep 16 hours a day. He takes it one time a day. I think we now have it set to where he takes it at night before he goes to bed and helps him not to be so sleepy.
Over all, Beckett is still making slow progress, but it's progress.  He still has his daily meltdowns afterschool, but we are working on those and my "art of distraction" is getting better.  We still take everyday as just that, day by day.

And you know I couldn't just end my post with that.  I have to share how proud I am of my oldest son for graduating from the United States Marine Corp.  He has made me so proud too! 

It's a God Thing!

It's amazing how when you think your entire world will fall in on you, something happens to catch you right before you hit the ground. This last week has been up and down.  As I had shared last week I was excited that Beckett was able to go to summer camp. Not even 24 hours after posting in my blog my excitement I get that phone call I was hoping I wouldn't get.  They weren't sure they would be able to let him stay.  He was having accidents in his pants and the little girl who was shadowing him wasn't really prepared to change dirty underwear.  I cried all day and night just praying that God would allow something to work out so Chris and I could get a break.  We had gone in to talk to the director and she said to us she really wanted this to work. She told us they were going give it until Friday to decide whether or not he would be able to come back the next week. I figured that Beckett was nervous and had high anxiety that was literally "scaring the poop" out of him.  When we returned on Thursday the director had said she was able to switch the schedule around to allow one of her counselors who was a  "mom" take care of him.  I was so relieved that she did that for Beckett. So far, he has been back this week, still having a couple of accidents but we now have someone who isn't worried about cleaning up a mess.  Come to find out Ms. Dee has eight children of her own.  She said it doesn't bother her at all and she was glad to be able to help.  I was so ecstatic when I picked him up he didn't have one accident today!! I hope the rest of the week at camp goes the way today did.

Besides the good news of Beckett not having an accident today.  The best was yet to come. I got a call from my geneticist this afternoon. He shared with me that he had gotten an email from a researcher at Texas Children's Hospital asking him if he had any families with SYNGAP1. He said to me; "Monica, I had gotten your email and two days later I received an email out of the blue from a researcher here at Texas Children's wanting to know if I had any patients with SYNGAP1.  I was scratching my head and thinking to myself, that's really odd and the two emails were totally unrelated?"  He began to explain to me that they are about to begin a study on SYNGAP1 here in Houston at Texas Children's. They are looking for families wanting to participate that have children diagnosed with SYNGAP1. He ask me if I would have a problem with him giving me Beckett's information. Of course my response was ABSOLUTLEY NOT!! This is great news!!! I am so excited the this has gotten more attention in the scientific world!!! I  am so excited that they want to use Beckett in their study!!! WHOOP!  Before I ended my conversation with Dr. Scott he mentioned again how much of a coincidence it was to get two emails in less than two days totally unrelated about the same thing.  I told him that that's not a coincidence...that's a God thing!! He giggled over the phone and said, "you are probably right, I do believe that God allows things to happen like this."  I told him, "This was an answered prayer!"  He told me, "Yep..I believe in those too!" 

Time for Summer!

We started the summer this last weekend visiting Galveston Island State Park & Beach.  You could say that this was Beckett's first "real" beach trip.  The last time we had brought the twins, they were only 16 months old.  I don't really count that one since they really don't remember it.  He loved the ocean.  He walked right into the water and into the waves.  He would have floated away if his daddy wasn't right there with him.  He was so excited!  I don't think I have ever heard him laugh so hard every time a wave hit him.  He laughed constantly for almost two hours strait.  We had some of the most fun that day and more was on it's way!

Beckett's First "Real" Beach Trip 2013

This week Beckett has begun his first ever summer camp.  I am excited and worried at the same time.  This camp is not geared for special needs children. Mrs. Darlene the director of the camp has made it possible for my son to be able to participate with the kids his age.  I am happy to know that she has taken an interest in making my son apart of her program.  She has made accommodation's for him and to allow him to be with his twin sister for 6 weeks out of the summer. A young teenage student has been appointed a help the lead counselor with Beckett and to follow him in every activity planned, even in swimming.  Of course, my biggest fear is him swimming...he can't!  He has no concept of danger or fear.  I also worry about him wandering off unnoticed.  I know that they are aware of all his habits and won't let that happen.

So today is his second day.  I haven't had a phone call yet to come get him, so I am assuming he is fitting in just fine.  I am so thankful that the FAC director has seen a need to include the children in her program with special needs.  I wish more childcare facilities did a better job of mainstreaming special needs kids with others.  I believe it is not only good for the special needs child, but the child who has no disabilities to serve others who need it.  I am sure his experience this summer will help him continue to progress and develop his language and other skills and also maybe expose others to differences they are not use to. 


 

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I AM ON A MISSION!!!

Please pass this on to any families that you may know that would benefit from this information. I have some great news!! I spoke with Dr. Michaud last night about my son's Syndrome SYNGAP1. He has ask me to help him find families of children who have been identified. He is working on defining the condition to continue his research. He is the doctor who created the test for SYNGAP1. This syndrome has children who have characteristics of developmental delays, severe language delay and many other symptoms that are mistaken for other things. Autism Spectrum Disorder symptoms and possible seizures can be seen in some of these children, ...but not all. Mostly this syndrome causes Intellectual Disability. He has ask me to invite ...families who have this diagnosis to contact him to help him define conditions caused by SYNGAP1. He has told me that once they have an official definition has been made, research can continue to the next step of starting more ...
studies in humans, since they have mouse model data. Please share this with parents you may know who have autism or unexplained symptoms to push their doctors to get genetic testing. This is huge, because most people settle for the autism diagnosis and stop there and don't push for testing. The more people out there who are identified, the more money for research, then research for possible treatments can be done. So..needless to say...I'm on a MISSION now;)

Please watch the video on SYNGAP1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NE7FgFBO_o

 Jacques L. Michaud, MD
Head, Division of Medical Genetics, CHU Sainte-Justine
Professor of Pediatrics and Biochemistry, Université de Montréal

CHU Sainte-Justine Research Center
3175 Côte Sainte-Catherine
Montréal (Québec)
Canada H3T 1C5
Phone: 514-345-4931, ext: 6900
Fax: 514-345-4766

jacques.michaud@recherche-ste-justine.qc.ca

 

Not Just Any Mother's Day

I am truly blessed.  I can't believe this is my 21st year to be a mom.  I have had many ups and downs, as many of us all do.  But through it all I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. As I look back over the last 5 years I have learned the most about myself than at any other time in my life.  I actually thought the biggest test in my life was getting through an abusive 1st marriage. I was so wrong. God had other plans for me. I am also sure the learning curve will continue during this life of mine.
In the last month we have been trying to find the right ADHD medicines for Beckett.  We had him on 5 mg of Focaline for one week.  It turned Beckett into an aggressive, irritated and unsettled little boy, on top of totally eliminating his appetite.  We now have changed it to Adderall XR, but I haven't been able to get his prescription yet for it. I am hoping to begin it next week. 
This week has been an amazing week for me.  I received two emails from doctors who know more about SYNGAP1 than anyone I have found in the world.  I wrote an email to Dr. Gavin Rumbaugh from Scripts Labs in Florida 6 months ago.  I was so glad to hear from him.  He then gave me the name of Jacques L. Michaud, MD.  He is the doctor who developed to test for SYNGAP1.  He is now trying to make an accurate descriptive definition for SYNGAP1.  To my surprise, he emailed me back within about 10 minutes and ask me to have a phone conversation about Beckett.  I am so excited that I have been able to get the attention of a published scientist who is interested in my sons condition.  I am beginning to see doors open and hoping to be a part of something that will bring hope to others and my son.

Feeling Joy In Life Again!

It's been a while since I have posted an update.  I have done some soul searching that past few months and have realized that I had let my circumstance's in my life take control of my joy and happiness. I realize that through Christ, I really can't lose my joy, but I can be sad and unhappy when troubles  come up; which is ok. I just can't let it paralyze me.  I am going through the stages of grief learning to accept the life my child and family has been given.  I have come along way from the sadness in the last few months. God has shown me that He gave Chris and I this child because He trusts us to take care of him and raise him in the light of Christ and will use him for His glory. God has given me promises through the Bible that I stand on to keep me strong during the hard days.

Romans 8:27-29
²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

Ephesians 1:11
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,

I have to remind myself everyday that God is in control and that no matter what happens there will always be a purpose that God has a plan for.  I have decided to get involved with a couple of organizations that I can give of my time and also encourage others with a message of hope.  This helps me to give of myself and help others in times of trouble.  You just never know when God will open a door that He will allow us to walk through.  It really does make you feel better to know you are helping others.  It helps too minimize the magnitude of your own problems. 

I have also learned that when you let negative consume you, the good sometimes is over looked.  Beckett  has been a huge blessing to our family. His smile and laugh are contagious and when he laughs, you laugh with him.  I often look at him and wonder what I would have done without him.  He is becoming more receptive everyday and learning to do simple tasks.  He is beginning to imitate behaviors I never thought he would.  He watches me do chores around the house and follows me to do the same.  He helps load the washer & dryer and even tries to help put dishes away.  He wants to help sweep, rake the yard, pull the weeds..(well, sometimes my flowers), help his daddy push the lawnmower, bag grass and even help sand his play house for it to be re-painted. 

His speech is getting better also.  On Easter Sunday a week ago, Beckett said his big brothers name for the very first time..."Taylor"...not so much with the "T" sound, but it was pretty darn close.  We were so excited!! He sings to the radio in the car, and just loves Bruno Mars! 

I know that there are going to be tough days ahead and that I still have to take it day by day.  But the only way I can make it is through the Grace of God!  Otherwise, I don't know how I would get through it.  I really don't consider myself a "preachy" type person, but I am being real about my thoughts and feelings.  I do also want to note that I am so far from perfect and am human like anyone else.  I just want to share with the world what God has done for me and my family. 

Easter Sunday 2013

Possible Treatment for SYNGAP 1 Gene

I have come across an article published December 10, 2012 that talks about the possible treatment for my sons disability.  I am praying that they will find one soon before the window closes on him.  Pray for a cure!  Read the article and pass it along to your friends you know that has a child with special needs or autism.  It could be a medical break through. 
http://sfari.org/news-and-opinion/news/2012/autism-linked-protein-sets-pace-for-brain-development








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RESULTS ARE IN!!! SYNGAP-1 gene

I am sad and glad at the same time. Today we found out that my son Beckett has been diagnosed with a very rare autosomal dominant disorder called SYNGAP-1 gene. It doesn't even have a name yet. I am hoping to find out more information on it, but there is not much out there in terms of a prognosis.  I don't know whether to cry or breath a sigh of relief.  Texas Children's Genetic Center called this afternoon and told us that Beckett had a very rare genetic disorder that is so new that they even don't know much about it.  They have only just recently identified one more child with the same syndrome in February. We are relieved to find out that it will not affect his twin or his other 1/2 brothers and sister.  Neither Chris or I have the gene defect and the genetic counselor has explained that it was a fluke in nature.  They do not know whether it was caused by the environment or if something just when wrong after fertilization.  Of course, we might not ever know what caused it.   They explained to me that there could be more out there but the test is only a year old and very expensive to run.  Some of the symptoms of this disorder are seizures, schizophrenia, moderate to severe mental retardation, speech delay, and autism type behaviors.  The doctors at Texas Children's have worked us into an appointment on January 7th to see Beckett and talk with us about what they do know and how to move forward with his treatment.  I am now seeking a new direction and feel that I must do something to further the research of how to help he children and families with this disorder. 

I do however, must mention that even though the news I have received today about Beckett, I am grateful that I have him to hold and hug.  Today was a horrible day in our country and I will pray for those who lost loved ones in Connecticut in the school shooting.  My heart is heavy and broken for all those affected.  I realized today that even though I have trails of my own, I am very thankful that I have my children with me today.  I was also reminded that through bad times, God truely will make good for His glory, even if we can't see it now through the hurt.  GOD BLESS THOSE BABIES AND TEACHERS WHO DIED TODAY!! They are in the ARMS OF JESUS NOW!!

Trying To Hang On To Hope....

Considering all the trails that our family has had to face in the last several months, keeping up with my blog as been hard.  We have had many changes in the last six weeks for Beckett.  He will begin Monday with a new daycare sitter.  We have had to move him from his regular daycare he has been at since he was 3 months old due to the change of some of his class situation, therapy and school schedules.  We were not happy with the new teacher arrangement in his class at his daycare.  They seemed to be too young to be able to deal with the needs that Beckett has.  We were very disappointed that this was not fixed or changed for us, considering we were paying for a full time program when he was only in there part time. I do however have to clarify that most of the workers there were great with him.  They were typically older women and not teenagers or college students caring for him.  We now will have him with a lady who will keep him in her home, but she is also one who has a special needs child herself.  We are nervous somewhat, but praying for the best and hoping that she can deal with his needs.

We have had some regression with his potty training due to the fact that the girls in the daycare were not paying attention to checking on him to go use the potty.  He has a hard time remembering he needs to go and needs some reminders every hour or so.  He has started trying to say a few more words and sounds which is encouraging.  We still are trying to teach him the dynovox, but at home he seems uninterested in using it.  He has mastered several icons for needs and food on it with his speech therapist.  We know he can use it, we just need him to understand using it for his needs. 
Texas Children's Genetic Center still has not called us with the results of his EXNOME DNA Sequencing Test.  I have been patiently waiting for some kind of answer.  We are also trying to get Beckett into see a psychiatrist to have him evaluated for a behavior problem that is causing his melt downs.  We are hoping that they will give him something for his OCD/High Anxiety Behavior.  His fits seem to be getting worse has he gets into the stage of the terrible 2-3's that his little brain is entering, even though he is 4 years old.  We have noticed over the last few months he is more interested in toys and musical instrument's that seem to keep him entertained.  We are hoping the we will get to implement music therapy in his daily routine in the PPCD program at school.  We are seeing slow progress with him..I just still have anxiety over what the future holds.  I pray almost everyday that God would heal my little boy...I have to admit that it has been hard to hold on to hope, but I know there HAS to be a PLAN..

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Emotions Everywhere

We have had a lot going on in the Weldon house these past few months.  There have been days I have been on cloud nine and there are the days I wish I could run away from it all and never come back.  Granted I never would just pick up and leave, but I would be lying if I told you I never felt that way.  I guess I am going through a bit of a mid-life, not like the ones you hear of on TV or in a bar, but one where you look back at your life and wonder exactly what kind of purpose you have here on this Earth.  Mine? Well, I'm still trying to figure it out.  I really am dealing with the fact I guess I'm gonna get old one day. I will go out kicking and screaming just fighting age. I think about all that I deal with on a daily basis and how am I going to be able to keep up with my preschool twins and of course three older children, two of which are adults.  Beckett is obviously a handful. His twin Pyper, well she is a little spit-fire all her own.  Don't get me wrong, I love my children but they sure are hard work.  I find myself trying to keep in shape, trying to eat right, making sure I'm going to stay healthy for my kids that I end up getting sick and tired literally. Then on top of all that feeling guilty about it.  I know its crazy thinking but I think every mom goes through that at some point.  I am still trying to grasp my purpose..even though one is clearly being a mom and wife.  Sometimes you just want to do more in life...but is there more than that?  I'm not really sure, but I truely think there is. See, I even feel guilty for saying that I guess because I have always been about my kids and family in general. 

Potty Training & etc...

I have no idea even where to begin.  Do I start with how we are going with potty training or do I start with the transition time from daycare to the house during the afternoon?  Umm....well these two particular events have been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I actually thought that teaching middle school was much harder.  Boy, was I totally wrong!!
Potty training with Beckett has been quite difficult.  Getting him to tell us he needs to go is the hardest part. We have a digital voice box that has a button he pushes that his PPCD teacher has recorded the message, "I need to potty".  When we first put it up I think he pushed the thing 200 times.  Of course, this helps us know when he needs to go; if he'd use it the right way. We began to bring him every 30 minutes when we can.  Beckett can control himself for the most part, but its getting him to try and complete all the steps that's hard.  Due to his lack of motor coordination, he has a very hard time pulling his shorts and pull-ups up and down.  He knows to do all the steps, which is the frustrating part for me also.  Since summer has begun Beckett has gotten better about having fewer accidents and letting us know he needs to go. I finally got around to getting a second voice recorder to the daycare.  Within one day he learned to let his teachers know he needed to go potty by pushing the button.  Funny thing is all other 19 children in his class did the same thing. I warned his teachers of the "new novelty".
I know he still has trouble coordinating his motor skills to master all the steps to go potty.  I never really thought about the process of something very simple to the average person as being a really difficult one when you think about it. So far, it's been a week and he has had only one accident.  Hopefully by the end of summer he will be able to let everyone know when he needs to go.

Look Who's Watching

I am learning more and more each day how some people are either truly compassionate to a person's situation or they really don't care much about other people's lives at all.   I find that it probably runs 50/50 with the people I meet or run into.  I understand that people fear what they do not understand.  My goal and purpose has changed to not only raise a son who is independent and happy, but to help people understand that special needs individuals are also special gifts from God.

I find myself getting defensive about negative comments people make and the classic looks I get when I go into public when Beckett begins to scream and squeal so loudly it could break glass.  I find older people in their late 70's give me the worst looks, people in their 50 -60's make the rude comments, and people in their 30 - 40's for the most part say "Oh my, he's loud" and smile, and anyone younger seems to just ignore it.   I really don't mean to stereotype people. I can only judge what I have experienced.  I think for the most part it is a generational thing.  I think the younger generations are more exposed to the language used to describe autism and other intellectual disabilities.
I have been told to "control my child" and "you really need to discipline him for that".  It's almost comical that they don't even know he can't talk.  Usually my response is to say, "sorry, but he doesn't have any language and can't talk this is how he communicates".  Most of the time they turn bright red and walk away, while other times they look at me as if they don't care.  Sometimes they have even left the store altogether.  It's as I intruded on their world and how dare I even bring him into public.  Usually, it's because of their own ignorance and selfishness.  I have even been ask "how could I even bring a child like that into the world?" I have responded by telling them.."He is God's gift to me and I would have never even have thought of terminating him, giving him away, or even putting him away in a home somewhere".  He is created in God's image and is fearfully and wonderfully made.  I do have to admit, I usually don't respond to that nicely at all and respond in a defiant voice myself.  I defend my child and would stand up for him to anyone. Yes, I do realize I can't change anyone unless they want to be changed.  I do have to be careful about how I respond and think before I speak. I try to be an example of what God wants me to be and I will be the first to admit I am not perfect but will always try to remember that other's are watching.

Faith of a Mustard Seed

We have taken some time to be able to process some if the news about Beckett.  Our family has decided to go out on faith and trust God for the strength and funds to help take care of our little boy. I have been frustrated with the system put in place to help children and adults with special needs.  I am disappointed in the lack of funding that our nation has for these very needy individuals.  It is sad to see working people who want the best for their children struggle for every dime to get the needed care for their family members.  It seems that the richest nation on Earth can't find the necessary money to help people with minimal care. We are not talking the best of care, but the absolute bare minimum.
The decade of waiting is outrageous. The delay in critical developmental time is caustic for the brain to be able to make the best progress.  Without this time the chance for growth is slowed or lost. The burden is put on the public school system and it is already strained to its capacity. The average person who is working are punished for working. The ones who are well and able to work and don't, get the most from our financially stressed system.
My husband and I have gone out on a limb to try and get our son the care he needs.  Having to put our pride aside and ask people we know and even people we don't to help us get care for Beckett has been a humbling experience. We have set up a donation website to help raise funds to provide for his needed therapies, which include Occupational and Speech Therapy (recommended two times a week but he goes once) and the recommended Physical Therapy that we haven't started yet because we can't afford all the co-pays.  He also needs a special computer that will help him communicate and his SMO braces for his feet every 6 months.  We know that God will provide his needs and Beckett will be used for Gods Glory no matter the turn out.  I won't hide the fact that it is very hard for us to keep the faith, but we try to take it day by day.  We stand on the promise God made that He can move mountains with the faith of a mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20)  Some days I think that is all I have, but He still brings me through.

http://www.giveforward.com/beckettsstorymyswan

One of the Hardest Days Yet

I am skipping forward a bit through my walk with my boy Beckett.  Today was a day that I can't hold back from sharing my tears of sadness.  Today was a grueling day of testing for Beckett at Texas Children's Hospital.  He saw four different doctors that evaluated him for autism, psychology, developmental pediatrics and neurology.  After the 6-7 hours of testing we were told that they are taking the autism diagnosis away and re-diagnosing him with mild mental retardation. 

My heart sank to the floor..really it went below the floor.  I was being told that he would never be able to live independently or progress over the cognitive capacity of a 12 year old at best.  I was not expecting that at all.  It seemed that all the hopes and dreams I had for him vanished into thin air.  His dad and I couldn't hold back our tears.  It was a blast of information that I couldn't process in the hour we were getting all the feedback.  We were asked if we had a will to be able to appoint a legal guardian for him if we died, we were told he would possibly never be able to be left alone or take care of himself.  We got information on the process to enroll him in an adult program for the mentally disabled.  On top of all this information that he could have a genetic syndrome causing all of his problems. 

I am trying to tell myself that they are painting the worst of the worst of what it could be for his future.  I have told myself that only God knows the future for anyone of us.  I also know and am trying to believe that God can heal him and make is future as bright as my other children.  I have to believe and have faith in that.  Right now I have to honestly say may hope has been crushed and while I write this tears well up in my eyes.  My heart is crying out to the Lord to give me strength to endure this trail that has an uncertain path and believe that He will carry my husband and I through this.