Monday, April 16, 2012

One of the Hardest Days Yet

I am skipping forward a bit through my walk with my boy Beckett.  Today was a day that I can't hold back from sharing my tears of sadness.  Today was a grueling day of testing for Beckett at Texas Children's Hospital.  He saw four different doctors that evaluated him for autism, psychology, developmental pediatrics and neurology.  After the 6-7 hours of testing we were told that they are taking the autism diagnosis away and re-diagnosing him with mild mental retardation. 

My heart sank to the floor..really it went below the floor.  I was being told that he would never be able to live independently or progress over the cognitive capacity of a 12 year old at best.  I was not expecting that at all.  It seemed that all the hopes and dreams I had for him vanished into thin air.  His dad and I couldn't hold back our tears.  It was a blast of information that I couldn't process in the hour we were getting all the feedback.  We were asked if we had a will to be able to appoint a legal guardian for him if we died, we were told he would possibly never be able to be left alone or take care of himself.  We got information on the process to enroll him in an adult program for the mentally disabled.  On top of all this information that he could have a genetic syndrome causing all of his problems. 

I am trying to tell myself that they are painting the worst of the worst of what it could be for his future.  I have told myself that only God knows the future for anyone of us.  I also know and am trying to believe that God can heal him and make is future as bright as my other children.  I have to believe and have faith in that.  Right now I have to honestly say may hope has been crushed and while I write this tears well up in my eyes.  My heart is crying out to the Lord to give me strength to endure this trail that has an uncertain path and believe that He will carry my husband and I through this.