I began this blog many years ago. In fact, almost 13 years ago this week. A lot has changed since this blog began. I thought I would do something in this world to do good for others, despite the challenges I faced all my life growing up. I have, and I did. It wasn't without the help from those along the way and those who have stuck by me the entire time.
Many of you know the life of abuse, trying to meet the standards of what others think you should be. The ironic part is to understand that the people who say they love you and the ones who are to care for your cause the most are the ones that hurt you the worst. I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning, even at the age of 51 going on 52.
I have experienced the unbelievable in my life. From greed, envy, lies, deception, being used and disposed of like you are a wrapper that holds a piece of candy and a hamburger you would eat. Discarding people based on the pure bases of money and greed alone. It's not truly about helping people; it's about benefiting one's self. Those people will burn in an eternal fire they have yet to face. Deceiving others who are so desperate to make their own happiness. Trusting those who have lots of money and no strategy preying off them just to make a buck.
I have learned today what real evil in the face of good does. I have learned how people could crucify a man that had no blame only because He wanted to change the world and give them a life worth living. I indeed saw BLACK, GREED, SELF-SERVING BEHAVIOR today in its utmost RAW FORM.
It is an attack by the darkness of this world allowed by those who don't know the true God in this world and do not know His power, and they can't comprehend it. It's a BLACK that ruins relationships, marriages, careers, livelihoods. It's a blackness I saw hover over me at the age of 13 in my bed, paralyzed huddled undercover, watching as a black, evil red-eyed demon came over me, blinding me, terrorize me from the inside out. I had just made a profession of faith in Jesus that year and was battling being molested by a faceless beast I still can't remember. Maybe that was what I saw in my room that night? Life's reality was distorted, and I was sheltered, yet was living a life of hidden hell I was never to speak of. Over time I began to express my pain and anger after I was out on my own. Counseling taught me what normal should be, yet I gravitated to" my normal" dysfunctional relationships, never saying anything to anyone because of shame and failure I would be so "stupid". I was too beautiful and smart to go through such things. My experiences led me to be the fighter I am today. I no longer take flight and run; I stay and fight because I will no longer be abused or taken advantage of. However, I still wear my heart on my sleeve, making myself vulnerable to those who may or may not be who they say they are. I don't judge unless you give me a reason to believe. But when you are found guilty in my eyes, you will rue the day you ever crossed me.
Today, I saw and felt the betrayal of those who I have helped throughout their time with me turn on me, AGAIN, and disregarded the sacrifice I made to help them be successful. Would those who have discarded us benefiting and excluding at the celebration and glory of achievements, where would they be without the people who helped create their path to success?
I might not be everyone's cup a tea. BUT BOY...sometimes you just don't know when ya gotta good thing. I believe that bad things happen to good people sometimes because they are doing something right. The hardest thing is loving them anyway and showing people that sometimes you are much more than you than others are willing to recognize.
Job lost everything, but he stayed faithful, and God blessed him with much. Kind David sinned and lost his child, suffered the consequences of his actions, but God still used him to do great things. Solomon fell for a woman and told his secret, suffered consequences, yet left a great legacy. Jacob did EVERYTHING right, yet he was sold by the people who said they loved him the most and God blessed him. Abraham was told to sacrifice his own son, and because his heart was right, God spared his son and blessed him with great things. Paul was named Saul, an evil tax collector who followed Christ and stood for what was right and was sacrificed upside down after being thrown in prison for NOTHING he did wrong, only for believing in what was RIGHT and Godly.
All these people mentioned in the most historical book on the planet, the Bible left a legacy that people over 2000 years later remember and live by. Believe or don't believe. I choose to believe because I honestly really have NOTHING to lose. I am NOT A SAINT, I AM NOT PERFECT, I GET MAD, I DRINK, I CUSS, and one thing I do know... IS I AM FORGIVEN AND SAVED BY GRACE! People in this world are NOT MY JUDGE! GOD is MY JUDGE! He will judge my Heart; HE CARES NOTHING about politics, other people's expectations of you, how much money you have, or the GOOD DEADS you DO. He cares about YOUR HEART! IF I DIE TODAY, I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW MY HEART, NOT HOW MUCH MONEY I HAVE, CARS I DRIVE, CLOTHES I WEAR! BUT IT IS WHAT I DID FOR PEOPLE! You judge me all you want... It doesn't MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! I ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE THING. What I did in this life to show that GOD truly works through people that are NOT PERFECT! REMEMBER THAT! NO ONE IS PERFECT!
