Friday, July 13, 2018


Have you ever looked at a stonewall?  The ones I saw were old, ruined and tattered, but rustic, peaceful and beautiful. They typically last a lifetime or more.  I had made a trip recently to an old historical town, and much of the architecture was of stone. Many stonewalls surrounded the perimeter of the properties.  I wondered how long it took a person or persons to build a structure as tedious as that.  First having to find the stones, haul them from their resting place to the location they are now.  Cementing them together to build a wall that stretched many yards and sometimes it looked half a mile long.

I thought about my own life and how it relates to a stonewall.  The beauty of the random shapes of the stones and beautiful colors of slate grey and random orange and red streaked threw out.  The edges of some were smooth, and yet some were jagged and rough giving it character.  The appearance of these beautiful stones made by the harsh weathering and pounding of the elements.

I think of my life as this stonewall. The challenges and many defeats of living a life I never thought I would have too.  Trying to survive depression, anxiety and the day to day.  Sometimes having nothing to look forward too also. I find myself feeling guilty for feeling this way.  My son Beckett is doing outstanding.  He is flourishing and making incredible progress.  His seizures controlled, he has close to 500 words where  3 1/2 years ago he had maybe 30.  His behavior has improved, he is learning and making leaps and bounds with problem-solving and following directions.  I should be happy, but I am honestly not.  I feel I try every day to get closer and closer to freedom and relief. It doesn't come.  I keep hoping and try never to lose hope.  I wish I could have the life I dreamed.  Happy, in love, secure and not having to fight anymore the battles to make our lives better.

I thought of my life as this stonewall.  Every aspect about it, the energy it took to build, the weathering it went through to be as beautiful and spectacular as it has over the many years it took to get that way.  It is still standing.  Standing firm, ready to fight another day with the elements.  I try to keep going, but some days, one of those stones falls off that wall.  I saw the rocks on the ground. I wondered who would come by place those rocks back where it used to be?  Who would be the one to go and put me back together?  Some of those rocks have been waiting a while to be put back, but then there are others that will remain there for a lifetime. Even if they stay, they still become a part of the beautiful landscape that surrounds the wall it once belonged.  I guess in either place, either the wall or on the ground you still are a rock.  A rock for others to build from and sometimes to sit and be a beautiful piece of the landscape.  Either way, it is difficult to be either one.  Even feeling alone, I still am the rock on which my son and family depend.  Weathered, tattered, and rough around the edges. One day I will find the beautiful happiness for which I was meant to have.  This stonewall will not keep me prisoner of the happiness I deserve.

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