Friday, January 11, 2013

Rock Bottom & Climbing

As I look back during this last year from when I started this blog, I have to say that this last week has been the absolute worst in my life.  I have been fighting back emotions in several areas of my life over the past 6 months.  I will not lie about feeling so low that I really felt like not going on in this world.  As I said in early posts that I had an outside influence that was affecting our family. This unfortunately happens to be my ex husband.  He hates me, my husband and our success so much that he would do anything to hurt us. 
My youngest son I allowed to go live him because I decided to go to mediation instead of going through a arduous court battle, AGAIN! He has taken us to court before and lied about many things and caused us to waste close to $25,000 that was reserved for my older children's college education.  He has successfully turned my 15 year old son against us.  I believe my son being the youngest, has felt like I have forgotten about him while trying to raise my twins.  As most people realize, raising a special needs child does consume an enormous amount of time and money.  Therefore resulting in changes of the dynamic of how things are done within the family.
The frustration level that I feel is almost indescribable and unbearable.  I am very sad that my 15 year old and my 20 year old are having to deal with anger and bitterness that is directed at both myself and their father. My 18 year old keeps things to himself and doesn't like talking about his feelings.  Which also worries me.  I never wanted it to be that way and have no idea how to fix it.  I wish they would have had a happy childhood, but unfortunately they have had to pay the price for adults who can't act like adults.  I have to admit, that I haven't been the best parent, but I have tried my best. I feel I have failed as a parent and in those regards has been hard to accept. 
Trying to juggle not only my other children I have had to juggle my marriage.  You would think that we would get time together because we work together at the same job.  We don't have much alone time or time to focus on our relationship as a couple.  When you don't spend time together building you then tend to fall apart.  The stress of having a special needs child on a marriage was more than I expected.  I believed I was going to lose everything this week and didn't want to live to see what it would be like losing everything again.  I found myself laying face down on the floor crying in my room begging God to just take me away.  I even feel guilty saying it, let alone thinking it.  I heard a very small voice whisper in my ear, "I will carry you through".  I stopped crying and I prayed for the strength to carry on.  It gave me the peace that the future was going to be ok.  I think I had hit "rock bottom" this week and only the Lord above is able to carry me out of the rocks.  I still fight the sadness, but I try to remember the God is in control and He has a plan.  But I honestly have to say...I really don't know what that is.