The Hard Part

I keep saying I am going to write a tell all book one day... Well, it may come sooner than later.  In my almost 50 years of living these last 2 years have been the hardest to cope with.  The excitement of working to try and change the lives of others has been incredibly daunting.  I thought that doing something you love would bring great joy all of the time.  Which by no means doesn't mean I don't still love what I do, it just means I have had to deal with more people, more personalities, more points of view. Now it's coming down to the hard job of separating my personal life from work and dealing with problems circulating around business.

The line between being a parent and a leader of an organization has to be drawn.  The emotion and distinction between the two can't be mixed.  You are either a leader or a friend.  When it comes to business I must take the parent hat off and look at decisions made objectively. Removing ALL emotion to do what is best to focus on a mission I set out to accomplish.   That means sacrificing even more to get the job done the right way.  I didn't understand what it meant when said "It's lonely at the top".  It is lonely at the top.  I have realized so many things about human nature and how success changes the people around you.

I think sometimes people forget I am also dealing with the challenges of caring for a child with special needs. Grieving the loss of a son I will never have and accepting the fact I have to let go of the hope that what I am doing may never help him.

I am devastated by the fact that I have people thinking I am doing is all for selfish gain and to control. I am a person who has a calling to go out and try to do the very best I can. Paving a path for others that come behind me to make a better life for their loved ones. The most important part, to know they are not alone.  They may not like the way I have chosen to create this path or even the direction to keep it going, but it will not stop me from continuing. I will go with those who choose to help. I don't put on shows and I don't expect anything extra but respect.

My son and family live without me being there much of the time because I chose to help find treatments for others. My family has sacrificed relationships, money and mental health issues for this cause. Of course I chose this, my question is why wouldn't have anyone chosen to do this for my son? Why did no one else in the world step up?  Then I am questioned about my motive.  I have wanted to quit and leave it all, but who would do it?

I keep going because the few who don't understand or try too are not my concern.  My mission is to help ALL those that walk into my path.  I do what I do, because if I stop I would regret living knowing I missed reaching the goal for another to have a better life.  MY SON IS WORTH ME NOT STOPPING!  It's been an emotional last 2 years with the struggle of severe depression, thoughts of suicide of loved ones, therapy, antidepressants, a broken marriage trying to recover, financial burdens and then trying to find yourself and just love and acceptance.

The last few posts have been dark. This is real! This is life! This is me trying to cope.  As long as I am alive I will not stop and I will not give up the fight to find hope and happiness.  I will plow through the mud and dark hours and one day I will reach the light I am working so hard to find.

I Can Change The World!

It's been quite a while since I have posted an update on Beckett. Since the start of the new year we have been full speed ahead.  Beckett has started a new medication which in addition to his Lamictal has helped him control his meltdowns and sensory overload.  He has been on Clonodine for the last 6 months.  It has been a life changer for us.  His meltdowns are minimal and his cognition has improved over time.  We still have the occasional tantrum, which is expected.  But this is nothing like from years before.  The hours of screaming are gone and it is much easier to redirect his behavior.  He is now at a daycare where the children and workers love on him.  I see him truly happy and there has not been an issue with him at his new after school care.  The foundation is taking off.  We are full speed ahead and are focusing on building our programs and planning a long lasting strategy that will sustain our mission.  My new motto has become #NEVERSTOPPING.. because until I am 6 feet under I am never stopping.  My hope grows stronger for these children every day.  The great scientists and clinicians who are walking by our side all the way are going to help us get there.  There is so much to say and do.. but to keep this short there is one picture that says a thousand words.  A picture that my Beckett brought home form school said it all.......

He has changed my world.......

The Power of Determination - A Mother's Love

I have learned over time that the only way to move forward and accomplish your goals is through the sheer will of determination and the recognizable path that God has place before us.  Obstacles get in the way of people everyday. How they over come them is not by chance, but by the will to push through with the determination, I believe God instills in us the willingness to be guided along that path.

Problems arise and they are tests that keep us on our toes.  They are put there to see if we have the trust in Him to keep moving forward while not knowing the outcome.  Faith and trust go hand in hand.  Things will work out knowing that what will be, will be and is not under any control of our own. That is the belief that drives me to accomplish the objective that is set before me and the peace within me that keeps my mind clear of the static around me. 

My vision is clear and the path I walk is full of things I stumble on and tread through with only the strength from the good Lord above.  People have been placed in this path to either help or hinder, and it is through discernment to make decisions for what is good for the purpose that I have been given.

I will do whatever I can to help complete the goals and mission of our new foundation.  My purpose is to lead and follow through with the plans of our set mission.  I will not stop and will not give up.  The children are too important and the families that endure the hardship of raising a child with special needs will not stop either.  That will, that determination is what keeps me going.  I want to make a difference in the world.  I want to help change the world and not for money, fame or notoriety.  I want to make a difference for the better of people because it is what we are suppose to do.   I do this for my son, I do this for my family and the families before and after me.  I do not do this for me.  The power of determination in me will accomplish the goals I have set to help those who can't help themselves.  I will not stop until I am dead and have gone from this Earth, but hope to leave a legacy of the power of one can turn into many to help others in need.  That is why we are here, our purpose.