The Need for Endurance

It's been quite some time since I have written my thoughts down. I have so much to say and not quite sure where to even start. The last three years of my life have been filled with trauma, heartache, disappointment, yet it has been the most surreal life I ever thought I would experience.

Three years ago I had quit my job of 23 years.  A career in teaching science to students ranging from 11-66 years of age. I taught college for 2 years, then high school for 7 years and on to middle school for 14 years.  I'm an expert in all science subjects from physics, chemistry, biology to geology and everything in between. I never knew that my experience teaching would ever lead to founding a nonprofit. I knew that the skill set I had I could lead it to help patients with SYNGAP1 find treatments.  I personally gave up a lot, my family gave up a lot. Not that being a teacher I had much to give up material wise, but it was everything I had to try and move forward what I thought was the right way. It has been the right way, the only way to lead to treatments. It is working and the model blueprint is one that many are following and wanting to replicate in the space in which I work. 

Leading an organization in a direction takes strategy. We must make sure that we were doing everything we can do on a shoe-string budget. This was a calling, this IS my calling! Many do not know that I gave up my retirement, salary, benefits and life savings to put into the job I love now to make it work. I paid for all my own trips and most of the overhead for the first 3 years of the organization until I was hired for one thousand dollars a month. Thing is, not many cared that I did that. 

That sacrifice has cost me much along the way. This includes time with my family, a decent wage, my marriage and I could name a few other things but the list would just go on. Yes, I chose to do this, as I was reminded repeatedly by those who said they stood by me to help. Only to realize they were only drilling holes in the boat you were rowing to try and make something work. Those didn't stay. They didn't believe, nor did they have the endurance to see it through. It is better that way. People who do not share the same vision become stumbling blocks.

I work very hard, just like the majority of the people who support our efforts for our community. I have a really hard time when those that had been with me since the beginning and who KNOW me have anything different to say. It is disappointing that a few do. It is true, you can't please everyone all of the time. You can only please some of the people some of the time. Standing back is the hard thing watching all the way through as people try to undermine the hard work you are doing. This work will still benefit them in the long run. I will never understand it. I was taught a long time ago that there are wolves in sheep's clothing. I never realized they could be in your own pack. However, it was encouraging that one of my colleagues I work with sent me what I needed to hear when I was at my lowest point.  

She sent a message and said to me, "Endurance is Mandatory"!  Therefore don't throw your boldness, which has a great reward. For you need endurance so that, having done the will of God, you may receive the promise.  Hebrews 10:35-36  

She reminded me that if God called me to this job, then those that fight against me is not really me they are fighting against.  They are fighting against God.  I have poured so much energy into doing what is right, and God has given me the endurance to continue. There are days I have sat in a corner or lying in bed in tears sobbing, asking the question why? Dealing with the sleepless nights and worrying about what to do next. The depression I have been fighting and the choice I made.  Asking myself when will it pay off?  When will we get treatments? Will my son benefit? Will the community be disappointed if I can't deliver? What if I can't keep hope alive?  The questions I have and the weight of the world on my shoulders are killing me. I had to keep believing. I have to keep believing. 

Not many know my personal story. Eventually, my story will be a book. If I could tell anyone anything, it would be to never lose hope, continue to persevere and NEVER put limits on yourself. My parents were told by my 3rd-grade counselors and teachers I would never read above a 3rd-grade level. Fast forward to 10th grade, the counselors told my parents to not send me to college. They went on to tell them I would never succeed and were setting me up for failure. They also said I would be an incredible hairdresser! That same year they determined I was dyslexic and had several other learning disabilities. My parents never told me this until I walked across the stage to be given my Bachelors of Science in Biology. I finished it in 3 1/2 years. I never failed or dropped a class. My heaviest load was 18 hours in a semester. I went back to get my Education Certification to continue on later teaching 16 years in the same school district in which my parents were told I wouldn’t make it in an academic setting. THEY WERE WRONG! The rest of the story will be detailed in my book...never put boundaries on a person's abilities. 

I fight depression every single day. I want things to be different.  I realized that the only way to make things different is to keep going. Pay no mind to those who come against you. Stay focused. Rest if you need, but get right back up and fight the good fight.  Don't let others who don't understand your vision keep you from seeing what has been put in your heart. 

Coming Out of the Dark

Most of us in life have been hit pretty hard in the gut at times.  I am no different. Sometimes things happen to make our perspectives change about people, their intentions, and motives. Life is one experience after another.  The last two years have been the best and worst of my almost 50 years on this planet.  I have dealt with egocentric, arrogant and self-serving people who wear masks to get what they want.  I have worked with people that are so insecure about their own existence and let their envy and jealousy of others take space up in their brains, which eventually leads to them being unhappy and unproductive, then turning on you to be your worst enemy.  These combinations of people are what make life extremely difficult to navigate, especially if you are a people pleaser like me. I allowed these type of people all of my life prevent me from being who I was suppose to be. I can now say within the last few months of my life, I now understand that your calling is way more important than pleasing those who really don't give a shit or are the "right fighters" in this world.  They would rather be right than work towards a common goal.

This has all played out during a tough time in my own personal life.  There have been days I would go so deep into the darkness that the words of those who critique your life, personality and your drive seriously wanted me to slit my own wrists.  All my life I have been searching for affirmation, the acceptance that what I was doing was "good".  It is daunting.  My childhood was not a good one mentally or emotionally, yet I had almost every material thing I could ask for. It led to who I am today. I struggled to please the ones who were supposed to love me the most. I knew they loved me the best they could only because of how they were taught.  I never measured up to the expectations of what they thought I was supposed to be. However, it made me into the fighter I am today.  The downside, it allowed me to have high expectations of others, and they couldn't meet them either, causing me stress and frustration. To top it all off,  I struggled through school having to deal with multiple learning disabilities.  I was called dumb, lazy, stupid and for lack of words felt like I was the most unworthy person who walked the planet. I was mocked sitting in the "special classes". Funny, people laugh when I tell them I couldn't even get a date in high school. I was expected to sit pretty and keep my mouth shut. 

After the last few months, years I hit rock bottom.  The lowest and most devastated I could ever feel.  My rock bottom almost caused me to lose the one thing I love the most, my family and my children, my life.  The dark depression I was experiencing made me escape into fantasy land and working overtime to avoid the emptiness I felt.  It was incredibly lonely at times.  God was nowhere to be found, the one thing I had always depended on to get me through.  I lost faith. I lost myself.  The one thing that woke me up was the calling I had to continue what I had started.  It is a still small voice that whispered.  "I am here! Look up at me and know that I am here".  I glimmer of light.  To be honest, the thoughts of ending the life I knew was real.  I woke up. I had forgotten God had a plan for my life regardless of those who come against you. The depression had consumed me to believe that I was no longer needed here. Yet it allowed me to see what is essential and most importantly WHO is critical and that I am important.  The other no longer matters. This is God's plan, His work and no person can destroy what He has planned.  I am just coming out of the dark, trying not to allow those who are good at sucking you back in affect me.  Baby steps.  Every day I must choose to keep going and focus on loving myself, which does not come naturally to me. It is a commitment mentally, just as I had committed to work out four times a week for the last 5 years to keep my physical body in shape.  It is now time to keep the mental and emotional self in shape. I now need to grow a thick skin. Sometimes it takes a swift kick in the gut to get you to come out of the dark to find the light again.