After a year of no "real" sleep and dealing with new situations that arise everyday, life wasn't just day by day, it was minute by minute. Sometimes dealing with the frustration of a child that cannot communicate is just pure hell. The constant screaming is tormenting. Breaks away are necessary to maintain a sense of mental calm.
I kept asking God why did you allow this to happen to my little boy? I was angry at God. It is a horrible cycle of frustration, anger, guilt and depression. I couldn't feel that way long because auto pilot would kick in and remind me I had to be determined to get through this and only God could help me do it. I'm not just saying that because it "sounds" good or it the "Christian" thing to say, I truly believe that. It's just the human side of me that forgets sometimes, ok...a lot of the time. He is there just waiting for me to depend on His strength.
I never knew patients like I have experienced raising a child with special needs. I remember my mother use to always tell me, "don't pray for patience, pray for understanding." So I did. I was praying asking God to help me understand what it was I needed to do to get through this. Looking back on Beckett's first year, I realized I had learned many small lessons of life. The small things you do are really the stepping stones to what makes life livable and have purpose. I still to this day struggle with my purpose. I know I'm a mom of 5, a wife and a teacher, it just seems that life throws things at you that you never expected and you lose focus of your purpose.
I know now that my purpose changes daily. I am finding myself learning sign language, being a physical therapist, occupational therapist, and being more in tune to the needs of people who have special needs. I find myself more compassionate and empathetic for those who can't do for themselves. However, I do still get frustrated and go through that normal cycle I mentioned earlier.
I tend to come back to a statement that was told to me by a very wise seasoned educator I work for. As I was explaining to her some of my daily struggles, she said "Monica, God gives us a new normal on occasion, we just have to trust Him to get us through it and find ways to modify". She was right, I keep changing and adjusting to my "New Normal". Thinking like that helps me get through the hard times and knowing that it's only temporary because the next "New Normal" is around the corner waiting. Beckett himself has a new normal everyday. I know that every milestone he makes is his new normal. We are all on this road together its just his is a bit more bumpier than mine.