Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I Just Want to Run Away Sometimes

I haven't blogged in awhile and thought maybe I should go back to putting my feelings and emotions on paper. (or digital paper) It helps me process what I am feeling. Some days you are just numb to everything. I was told recently in a counseling session.. yes, counseling.. (I think everyone has been there...if not it might do you some good) 😜 I was told I am grieving for the child that I didn't have. I'll be honest, I thought she was all wrong, yet in some ways she was right. I am grieving a lot of things. I had to process a lot and had plenty time to do it these past weeks. I'm still not ready to accept somethings and I think that's OK because it's going to take me a while to figure it out.

It's accepting that your life is not the normal one everyone else has and is even harder. Today has been a hard day for me.. Wanting to run away and never come back. That's really bad ugh? Anxiety and worry tend to take over and sometimes it's hard just to deal with. Most people tell you don't compare your life with the cookie cutter American Family you see on TV. Right? That's what you are conditioned to believe your whole life. The perfect life right? House, car, dog (I hate cats; sorry cat lovers) kids and the whole shebang!

You see, everyone else's life on social media show the house (that's not child proofed with all the fortress locks, chains and alarms) the two kids, a dog, a pool, vacations, nice cars, blah, blah, blah! Kinda magnifies the problem and confirms the diagnosis of Facebook Blues. Our life is not anything like that. The medications that are given constantly, watching for the seizures to return and waiting for that next nuclear meltdown. Planning something spontaneous is never even considered! All that is gone. I miss that! I have to be brutally honest here and say I wish I could have all that back, but the guilt consumes me to almost a depression and I get angry. Then you pop right back up to then be reminded of how thankful you should be for what you have. Which I am, but then I am not. Yes, others have it much worse than I. I get that. But the feelings are still the same.

These feelings have an affect on every single aspect of your life. I now see why most all marriages of special needs end in divorce. In fact, 70% of all marriages with special needs end in divorce. Well, I guess I'm batting a 1000 because this is my second marriage, add in three kids from the former marriage, plus a child with special needs is a recipe for just that. I can see how relationships get lost in the frantic of everyday. A divorce is the only way to get a break from it all. I can honestly say, I will never marry again. No offense to my current husband, but that's the honest truth. Now, I am not saying I am divorcing, so don't go and think that. I am just merely sharing facts about relationships and raising a child with special needs.

I bury myself in my work to make myself feel better. It does. I don't want to stop and don't think I ever will. I was told I am addicted to my job. No, I just love what I do to help other people and that's the long and short of it. Sometimes I just feel like I am running on empty and search to be filled. Crazy? Right? My work seems to give me relief somehow, yet I am still sad as I feel like I am missing something.

Of course, I have people tell me all the time God put you here. Yes, not arguing that point, I believe He called me to this. I know some reading this, (especially the ones who know me from way back when) are cringing. Why you say? Because my life experiences molded me to be the person I am today. Which I am much more "relaxed" than the "rigid" expectations I was raised with. See, I was brought up in a strict Southern Baptist home. My Biblical core values haven't changed, but some of my thought processes have on "fundamentals of religion". But, you find yourself asking all these same questions, looking for answers that may never come. The questions of all questions; like "Why me?" and "Why do people cross your path and what was their purpose for being in your life?"

Funny how the self talk that most people have with themselves are what most of us ask daily without even thinking about it. So, I got to thinking and found this article on grieving a child with special needs. It fits me. I guess my counselor was right. I know tomorrow will be a better day and I will probably still ask the same questions tomorrow. I've had to learn to step back and sometimes take it at a minute at a time just to survive.